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You can’t kill it with fire when it’s in your car

I’m not a fan of spiders. Really not a fan at all.

To be fair, I’m not a fan of lots of different bugs. Like wasps.

Wasps are assholes. A wasp once made me crash my car into a light pole. The pole was okay; I was okay; the car was totaled.

After I did that, though, I learned my lesson. Instead of trying to kill a bug while the car is moving, now I pull over.

Imagine the scene: I was up in Madison, New Jersey. Late at night. A cold winter night. Before the dawn of cell phones. I had just left Drew University where I had been visiting my boyfriend at the time (now my husband), and about three blocks down the way, I spotted it.

A spider on my windshield.

On the INSIDE of my windshield.

Instead of running off the road, I waited, stretching my arms out as far as they could go so that I was as far from the windshield as possible. As soon as I could pull over in the snow, I did. I hopped out of the car, took off a shoe and stood on one foot in the snow bank, trying to kill the spider in the windshield.

I did it!

It was dead!

But then I was afraid to get back into the car because, and I know this is totally rational, once you kill a spider, all the other spiders know. They gang up on you. They get you. It’s like a gang fight in West Side Story.

Anyway, that spider was dead.

Since then, I’ve been lucky. Anytime I had a spider in the car, I also had a passenger who could remove it one way or the other.

Until the other day.

There was a spider.

In the car.

On the inside of the window.

Right next to me.

It was somewhere between the size of a pinhead and a VW Beetle. I can’t quite remember in the blur of fear.

But there it was.

And there I was.

Then, like magic, I got it out of the car! I refuse to say how, in case other spiders are reading this, but this image shows what may (or may not) have been its final view.

spider.jpg

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Scary clowns are even scarier when their heads pop off…

Lego Pen - Only Kind of Scary So Far...
Lego Pen – Only Kind of Scary So Far…

I’m addicted to pens.  Who isn’t, right?  I mean, they’re awesome.  You can write with them…you can…ummm…write with them, and you can…ummm…write with them.  Look, they’re just cool, okay?

And the best part about pens is that sometimes, somehow, they’re inspirational.  You get a new pen, and then you have to write something with it.

It can be the feel of the ink, the color of the ink, the feel of the pen, the weight or heft, the lightness, so many different options, so many different ways to be inspired.

Now, here’s the thing.  I write horror.  Or at least I try to.  Dark humor, dark fantasy, dark SF, dark whatever.  If there’s something that goes bump, I like it.  I like to read it.  I like to write it.

One thing about those dark pieces.  Sometimes they include clowns.  Evil, evil clowns.  Stephen King knew it.  Supernatural knew it.  Everyone else knows it.  Clowns are just straight out scary and evil.

But I don’t know that Lego knew it.  You see, Lego came out with a new line of pens.  They are the Lego mini-figs, but different.  Their heads pop off, and they are pens.

It’s not scary enough that you’re beheading a beloved Lego character.  No, you can behead a clown and write with his head.  Oh yeah.  We’re talking about a pen that just oozes terror and horror and begs you to pick it up and write about something like, ooooh, let’s say, a CLOWN, coming to kill you.  Because, honestly, why else would Lego have made this pen?

So go get your Lego clown pens…and let the clowns begin their reign of terror.  All hail our Lego clown overlords!

Getting scarier...
Getting scarier…

Not very comfortable with this...
Not very comfortable with this…
Oh My God It's Scary!!
Oh My God It’s Scary!!