Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil by clarita at morguefile.comHave you ever seen a meme that reminded you of something that you’d rather forget?

First, we need to flash back more years than I’d like to admit.

I was out of high school and had a job, but couldn’t afford an apartment. I was living at home, and our house was small. My bedroom shared a wall with my parents’ room.

I woke up, and from the room right next to mine, I heard my father moaning.

It was about 6 a.m.  I really, really needed to pee. The bathroom was right there – if I walked into the hallway that both bedrooms went out into. And it didn’t sound like their door was closed.

I stayed quiet, and I stayed in bed.

Now we need to flash back even further.

When I was a teenager I had an awesome cat, but he had asthma. The poor kitty would get all not-breathing-so-good and we’d bring him to the vet to get a shot, and then he’d be better.

Of course, this not-breathing-so-good normally happened on evenings, holidays, and weekends. You know, when the normal vet office was closed, so we’d have to go to the emergency clinic.

That’s where we were. Waiting. I’d brought a book (probably science fiction or horror at that age), and my father had brought a programming book.

He shifted the book, and a piece of paper fell out and hit the floor. I grabbed it, being the oh so awesome and nice person that I am. But then I looked at it because I’m not really that awesome and nice.

It was a checklist of symptoms for depression. Clearly, my mother had filled it out and given it to him.

I don’t remember all the things that were checked off, but one of them was quite noticeable.

It had been checked off, circled, starred, and highlighted.

Which one?

Lack of sexual desire.

Continuing with my lack of niceness and awesomeness, I laughed.

“That’s so funny!” I said.

My father looked at me, as serious as I’ve ever seen him.

“No,” he said. “No. It’s not.”

That just made me laugh harder.

Now flash back to the moment when I woke up and heard noise from my parents’ room.

I didn’t want to interrupt anything. Sure, it was super gross to think of my parents having sex, but I wasn’t dumb enough to think that they weren’t human beings with needs.

I thought I’d be quiet. Just hum to myself, cover my ears, pretend that nothing was going on. Ignore my bladder.

More moaning. Sounds of the bed moving.

I pretended more. Ignored more.

Then I heard it.

My mother.

“Should I wake up Kate?”

“Goddamn it!” I yelled. “He has another kidney stone, doesn’t he?!”

And that’s all I could think of when I saw this meme.

moaning

 

 

 

 

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I’m not crazy.

Posted: April 3, 2017 in Uncategorized
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Image from Morguefile.comExcept, well, maybe I am. But this isn’t me being crazy. This is just weird.

Last Friday, I got up and headed to my craft room upstairs. I had a craft show on Saturday, so I needed to sneak in an hour or so of work so I’d be ready.

I always leave the alarm on when I’m upstairs and in the house alone because, well, it can be kind of creepy home alone up there.

So I was hiding up there, trying to get stuff done, and there was a loud bang.

I jumped and freaked the fuck out because it was coming from the front of the house. It sounded like someone hit the front door with a battering ram. Or maybe there had just been a massive accident out on the street.

Then I heard voices.

I went downstairs because I’m an idiot and too curious* for my own good.

Nothing.

The front door was closed and locked, the alarm was on, and nothing was outside.

Except the stereo was on. (The pic is showing a record, but it was just the radio…)

I know my radio wasn’t on. I hadn’t been in my office yet, and it was off when I went to bed. Plus, it made no sense why the radio would be on but then suddenly get loud when there was that noise.

Totally. Strange.

But here’s the thing that made it ever weirder – when I did finally come down to get to work in my office, the top shelf of my cabinet of curiosities was open.

I think my office is haunted.

*Did you know the full saying is curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back?

Father's Day TieI love reading the ‘Style’ section of the Sunday paper. Each week, I look forward to seeing what I can’t afford but what I should be breaking the 10th Commandment by looking at. They are kind enough to cover what girls should spend on their prom dresses (hint: hundreds of dollars, not including their purses and shoes) and then show how much people upgrade their homes and pay what could be considered a year’s salary for most of America in order to make their living rooms look even more sterile.

But I digress.

This weekend, the paper was kind enough to include ‘A Dozen Ideas for Father’s Day 2015.”

  1. $600 boots
  2. $200 sunglasses
  3. $3,500 watch
  4. $200 to $400 cologne
  5. $65 bow tie
  6. $40 shaving kit
  7. $300 ‘emulsion’ to ‘[hydrate] a dull, dry face’
  8. $50 hat
  9. $200 shoes
  10. $70 swim trunks
  11. $750 briefcase
  12. $250 Fit Bit

Okay, admittedly, two of the items were $50 or less, so I suppose that you don’t truly need to be rolling in it to purchase those. But for what you get – a cheesy fedora or a shaving kit – I can’t help but think that the money might be better spent.

I decided to go ahead and come up with my own dozen ideas for those of us who read the style guide and giggle.

Here it is – ‘A Dozen Ideas for Father’s Day 2015 When You Only Have $20 to Spend’

  1. $9 Black Military Shoe & Boot Clean Kit with Tactical Travel Case
  2. $15 Twelve Superhero Pinhole Glasses
  3. $15 Classic Calculator and Calendar Watch
  4. $11 Three Pack of Axe Body Spray, Cool Metal
  5. $4 Blue Blinky Light Bow Tie
  6. $6 Microwavable Face Wax Kit
  7. $16 Menscience Eye Gel Mask
  8. $7 Stylish Retro Lion Head Shape Rivet Embellished Baseball Cap
  9. $12 Set of 12 Black Flip Flops
  10. $5 Sexy Men’s Thong Man Swimming Underwear G-Strings Comfy Mesh Gauze Swimwear (Admittedly, you do *not* want to see your father wearing these!)
  11. $5 Fanny Pack (Sample – free fanny pack, but $5 shipping cost)
  12. $10 3D Smart Pedometer Sport Bracelet Watch Step Walking Distance Calorie Counter Activity Tracker

Maybe not all my ideas were winners – or serious – but I think it shows that you can have a whole lot of fun for less than $20 and still get something good for your father. Unless your father is an asshole. Then get him this.

No complaints!

Posted: February 4, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

ImageToday in the mail, I got a bracelet from my sister.  She had ordered a batch of these bracelets ages ago, and they finally showed, and she shipped mine down to me.  I had honestly forgotten about it.  It’s a plan black thin rubbery thing, and it says “no complaints” on it in raised black rubbery letters.

So, in the spirit of my bracelet, I will not complain about the following things:

 

  1. That I have a headache
  2. That I had to clean up cat puke and throw away one of Simon’s toys that was destroyed in the deluge
  3. That I am currently taking an antibiotic with a potential side effect of “problems sleeping” which has apparently come true for me since I’ve had three days (out of six on the drug) where I didn’t go to sleep until after 3 a.m., and on two of those days, I didn’t go to sleep until after 4 a.m.
  4. That I am still getting free English textbooks addressed to me with a school I haven’t worked with for over three years
  5. That I haven’t heard back about an email I sent two days ago to check up on a few things that were supposed to be in motion back in December (hello, DISD?)
  6. That my printer sometimes seems to take some sort of perverse pleasure in deciding what it will print and what it won’t print
  7. That the woman who did my manicure asked if I wanted an eyebrow wax and seemed very surprised that I did not, in fact, want one (screw you, too!)
  8. That I discovered that, at 3:30 in the afternoon, my to do list has about 20 hours worth of things to do still on it
  9. That I had a nightmare that someone else took my idea about a series of grammar books and published them before I did
  10. That I really don’t have that much to complain about…it’s really just little things that I should get over and move past and work on.