family · Uncategorized

I Stole Your Parking Spot

action adult couple fashion
What is happening in this photo? I have no idea. But it was free. And it involved a parking lot. Good luck figuring it out. Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

Yes, you. The mom with the stroller. Or maybe the soon-to-be-mom with the bun-in-the-oven look going on.

Wait, who the hell called it a bun in the oven? What kinds of buns do you have that get so big that they distort the oven itself and then burst free? I don’t think I ever want to eat at your house.

Anyway, yes, you! The one who either has children in strollers, a fetus that is currently acting as a parasite and destroying your body in ways that it will never recover from, or both.

I stole your parking spot.

First off, though, let’s be fair: it’s kind of weird that the library made *that* it’s go-to rallying cry that got two marked spots right up front by the door.

I mean, I know that there are a billion kid events, especially over the summer, but don’t pop ‘em out if you can’t bundle them up and drag them screaming into the library.

Please note: I didn’t specify if they were screaming out of joy or misery. I think that’s pretty dependent on the event, the kid, and a whole bunch of other kid factors, including whether or not they were able to share the dog’s food in the morning.

Second, if you’re going to put them there, then why right there? I mean, they’re next to the accessible spots. Do you honestly believe that anyone with a disability wants to deal with your screaming kids?

Again, no blame for why they’re screaming. Just saying that it’s a distinct possibility that they will be screaming.

Third, first come first serve, bitches. If I’m there, and if that spot is open, I have every right to it. There is no fine. There is no real reservation. Just a “please kindly listen to the sign,” which, being from New Jersey, I have absolutely no respect for.

Fourth, well, my fourth reason is my real reason.

There was a single accessible spot left, but there were two mother spots.

We have an accessible tag in the car for my son – he has disabilities, and while they are not physical, they do affect our ability to function in a parking lot at times. Like lately, with all the weather we’ve had moving in, the skies are filled with seagulls. And for reasons I don’t understand, the parking lots and skies are also filled with grackles. Big ass, bitchy ass, annoying ass grackles. They sit on cars, swoop down low, and even hide in the bushes.

And that’s the problem.

Simon is pretty much straight out terrified of them. If you’ve read my blogs over at Not So Simple Simon, you’ll see that he cannot handle birds when they are in quantity or when they seemingly threaten him.

So, back to the point: there were two mother spots, and one accessible spot.

I took the mother spot.

Come at me, bro. Just not with your screaming kids.  

Uncategorized

Kickboxing Cult

action adult athletes battle
Photo by Coco Championship on Pexels.com

I’ve decided to try kickboxing.

No, I haven’t suffered a blow to the head. But give me time, I probably will when I start.

The thing is, I think I may have inadvertently joined a cult. I say that based on my first phone call to them.

I got their special “Think Pink!” deal where, for $9.95, I receive three classes and a pair of pink boxing gloves.

The first class is an orientation class. Apparently, as a newbie, I won’t do the full warm-up, and I’ll get someone to work with me to learn the moves. Which is cool.

But they were way too excited about it.

“We’re like family here!”

“Oh, that’s your friend who recommended us! We love here! She’s only been coming for a few weeks but everyone loves her!”

“We’re like family here!”

“You can find us right by this Mexican restaurant! But don’t eat there because it’s too good, and you’ll want to keep eating there, and then you won’t lose weight!”

“We’re like family here!”

“Class starts at 7:30! But this is your orientation, so be there promptly at 7!”

“We’re like family here!”

“You only do 45 minutes of the hours because we need time to talk to you about signing up!”

“We’re like family here!”

I’m three days out from my first class, and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I may do great. I may pass out. I may throw up.

But I’m not going to join a cult. Unless it’s a really, really reasonably priced one.