How do you “trigger warning” the news?
For those that know me, they probably know that I’ve spent some time fighting depression and anxiety. A lot of time, really. And on some days, just reading that news would have been enough to send me spiraling down and make me think about my alternatives.
When you’re there, you can’t think of the reasons to go on. They’re hidden behind a wall, a magician’s curtain.
Those days are like a skit from a Wiggles DVD. When they have a magic coloring book that goes from empty to full of colored pages. Only instead of it being something that appears when you say the magic word, the colors all vanish instead, and the magic word is “suicide.”
It’s a slippery slope in my brain, the slip and slide of depression and death.
I’m lucky, though. I’ve found good doctors and good medication. I’ve made some good choices. I’ve had some good support. It’s been almost three months since I spent a day unable to get out of bed. Seriously unable. Nothing could convince me that it was worth it to get out of bed.
We were all on vacation in Alabama when I read about Robin Williams. I was sad to hear it happened to him, but I was also glad that I wasn’t there anymore – not right now. Right now I could see that there were good things in my life, I didn’t need to look at alternative, I wanted to get out of bed and do things every day.
If you haven’t been there, then you can’t understand, and you can’t judge.
It’s easy to say that he did it because he was weak, because he was worried about his future, because he had other problems in his life…but all of that was incidental. The depression is what did it.
Whether or not we want to admit it, depression can and does kill.