Archive for March, 2014

Thank you, oh wonderous Jonathan Coulton, for your Sky Mall song.

Because of you, I have to read the Skymall each and every time I fly.

And this last time…total awesomeness.

All the items you don’t need.  And most of the time, all the items you don’t even want.

Like, one of my favorites – the “fun flusher decorative toilet handles.”  You can get dolphins or seashells in random colors.  Because, you know, cool toilet flush handles are just that cool.

Then, more bathroom fun!  A bidet sprayer…the “Biffy Butler.”  Now, adding a bidet, not so strange, right?  But this is more than just a bidet.  It also includes “the convenience of a digital accessory caddy and toilet paper stand.”  In other words, it holds your iPad and your toilet paper!

So let’s say that you manage to not accidentally send out a video of yourself using the bidet.  That’s okay – you can still find a way to damage yourself, only aim for physical damage instead of mental or social damage.  Buy yourself “The Human Slingshot.”  It is, according to Skymall, the “newest craze in outdoor games.”  Apparently, I am not into the latest crazes because I did not know about this…

Now, I know we all need to relax.  Okay, I know *I* really need to relax, but I assume other people need to, too.  But the “Hand Reflexology Massager” would do anything but relax me.  It reminds me of those walls at nature centers where you’re supposed to put your hand in, feel something, and then identify it.  And it’s always something like an animal skull or the skin off a snake or a live tarantula. (Maybe not a live tarantula…but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t already prepared for that to happen.)  But something about this also makes me think about a science fiction story (perhaps it was written by Bradbury?) about a family that goes to a carnival where the price is sticking your hand into a slot and finding out if you get stuck with a needle and killed…well, I’m just saying that this would not relax me.

And, yes, I saved the best for last: Jockey Sport men’s underwear.  Their tag line is “Smell like Victory.  Not Your Friend Victor.” (Sadly, the tag line is not on the website, just in the magazine…)  The line really makes me wonder…why would your underwear smell like your same-sex friend?  Unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, why would you mind all that much?  Maybe you would *like* them to smell like your friend Victor?  I mean, just guessing here, but still.

So now you know – next time you fly – you gotta shop Skymall!

Dear girl at the Doc Marten store,

No, I don’t think it’s funny that you have all these friends who make their cats “service pets” so they can bring their pets to their college dorm, thanks to notes from their doctors that they use to claim “anxiety problems.”

First, you imply they are lying about their need, potentially thereby making those with legitimate need seem to also be faking. And who are these doctors who make these cats “service pets”? Do they realize they are just catering to a bunch of spoiled girls? (Girls, not women. Because women wouldn’t pull this kind of childish thing.)

Second, you are also, in a way, mocking those of us who do have anxiety issues. Those of us who might actually well and truly benefit from some calming influence of a pet. You don’t know me at all, but you assumed that I didn’t have an issue. Why?

Third, learn some customer service skills. When someone seems familiar with Docs and says, “This, in a 6,” when you finally deign to pay attention to her instead of your little coffee klatch of friends trying on boots, get her a UK 6 as that is how Docs are sized. Don’t bring a woman’s 6 and then ignore her as you unlace the boot a bit, then hand it over and ignore her some more. Or, even better, learn that questioning is a good choice and ask a fucking question instead of being a rude ignorant entitled little prick.

Thanks for summing up my whole Seattle experience in one exchange.

 (Just as a side note, that isn’t truly the *whole* experience. But it seems pretty typical thus far…and I leave tomorrow.)ugly ass seattle