Thank you, oh wonderous Jonathan Coulton, for your Sky Mall song.
Because of you, I have to read the Skymall each and every time I fly.
And this last time…total awesomeness.
All the items you don’t need. And most of the time, all the items you don’t even want.
Like, one of my favorites – the “fun flusher decorative toilet handles.” You can get dolphins or seashells in random colors. Because, you know, cool toilet flush handles are just that cool.
Then, more bathroom fun! A bidet sprayer…the “Biffy Butler.” Now, adding a bidet, not so strange, right? But this is more than just a bidet. It also includes “the convenience of a digital accessory caddy and toilet paper stand.” In other words, it holds your iPad and your toilet paper!
So let’s say that you manage to not accidentally send out a video of yourself using the bidet. That’s okay – you can still find a way to damage yourself, only aim for physical damage instead of mental or social damage. Buy yourself “The Human Slingshot.” It is, according to Skymall, the “newest craze in outdoor games.” Apparently, I am not into the latest crazes because I did not know about this…
Now, I know we all need to relax. Okay, I know *I* really need to relax, but I assume other people need to, too. But the “Hand Reflexology Massager” would do anything but relax me. It reminds me of those walls at nature centers where you’re supposed to put your hand in, feel something, and then identify it. And it’s always something like an animal skull or the skin off a snake or a live tarantula. (Maybe not a live tarantula…but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t already prepared for that to happen.) But something about this also makes me think about a science fiction story (perhaps it was written by Bradbury?) about a family that goes to a carnival where the price is sticking your hand into a slot and finding out if you get stuck with a needle and killed…well, I’m just saying that this would not relax me.
And, yes, I saved the best for last: Jockey Sport men’s underwear. Their tag line is “Smell like Victory. Not Your Friend Victor.” (Sadly, the tag line is not on the website, just in the magazine…) The line really makes me wonder…why would your underwear smell like your same-sex friend? Unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, why would you mind all that much? Maybe you would *like* them to smell like your friend Victor? I mean, just guessing here, but still.
So now you know – next time you fly – you gotta shop Skymall!