Archive for January, 2014

Okay, so I don’t really want to reference Alice in Wonderland because I like it, but somehow I couldn’t help but think of it as a I went through all the clicks I went through to get to where I wound up.

Let me start at the beginning.

First, I found an article that wasn’t really an article.  It was just a slideshow of “30 Unbelievably Inappropriate Vintage Ads.”  Ad number 28 was called “Do you still beat your wife?” and went on to say “Maybe you should never have stopped.  Read why in the rollicking, provocative, yet educational booklet entitled ‘Why You Should Beat Your Wife’ written by an eminent practitioner of this manly art.”  It cost only 15 cents in “stamps or coin.”

Obviously, I needed a copy of this pamphlet.  Really, who doesn’t?

I tried to find one and buy it.  I checked with all the out of print places I know that might happen to have something as odd as this, and no luck.

However…when I Googled it (because we must all Google everything), I found an awesome article from the “Mail Online” from September 2012 when Pat Robertson told a caller that he should “become a Muslim” and “move to Saudi Arabia” because then he could beat his wife.  He whined because “you can’t divorce her according to the Scripture” and, as per the article, “lamented that we no longer ‘condone wife-beating.’”

Not quite what I was looking for, but it did remind me that I need to watch the 700 Club a lot more often!

Finally, I decided to go ahead and check out eBay.  Ah, eBay! What don’t you have?  I typed in the title of the booklet, in quotation marks, and…

Image 

Well, apparently they don’t have the booklet.  However, the sponsored links that came up began with finding a lawyer and ended with finding a single Baltic lady.  Hmmmm.  Even more interesting was the “See also” on the left hand side where it suggested I look for “Do You Know Your Wife,” “How to Murder Your Wife,” and my personal favorite “When Your Heart Stops Beating.”  I was slightly disturbed by the “It Should Happen to You.”

So if anyone has this booklet just lying around, please give me a shout!  I’m desperate to be educated about this “manly art.”

1. My tolerance level for middle-aged men who think they’ve figured out the world and art and are lords and masters of all they survey is…nil.

2. I’m not very good at hiding #1.

Image

3. I’m not really bothered by #2.

4. The Baptist church on the corner had three Christmas trees and three boxes for said Christmas trees sitting out in the lobby last Friday (the 3rd) and Saturday (the 4th).
The trees had already been stripped of all decoration.
But come Sunday morning (the 5th), when it was time for services, I peered into the lobby and the trees were still there but the boxes had been hidden.
By Monday afternoon (the 6th), the trees had also vanished, but on the table in the middle of the room, a box had appeared.
It reminded me of a dibbuk box.

5. “The Princess Bride” and “Raiders of the Lost Ark” were both on TV.  And they both share the same fatal flaw.
Sort of.

6. The park across the street from the Baptist church is attractive to photographers.
There was a family taking baby pictures on a blanket.
A wedding party taking posed shots.
A group of photographers who stood in the park and took pictures across the busy street of the side of the church.
(I still don’t know why they were taking pictures of the church, but I think I may have been in some of those shots…)

7. Everyone lives their own reality.
Not all those realities are real.

8. “Great literature” is capable of producing horniness, if it’s “great” enough.

9. People who are well-educated aren’t necessarily smart or open-minded or even well-educated.

10. Walking over the drawbridge at night is extremely nerve-wracking because there are lights beneath it that illuminate the water through the metal grate, convincing me that there is metal fatigue which will result in the walk-way collapsing and me drowning in shallow water with two broken legs.

Image

11. Writers are either too full of self-worth or too full of self-loathing.
Sometimes both.

12. The entire first floor of the hotel has no guests in its rooms.
The doors are all latched open and have notes about what needs to be fixed.
The first floor is where the laundry room is, next to the staff elevator.
The staff elevator has an “R” button.  I think it stands for “Roof” because there is no rear entrance/exit in the elevator.
I want to push the “R” button and see where I go.

Image13. There is a coke machine on the same floor as my hotel room that has a large “Calories Count” sign.
Each drink’s button has a calorie count.
The coke machine down on the first floor does not have the sign.
I have tried to not take the sign personally, but I have failed.

Image14. On the sidewalk someone has erected a sign that has some sort of approval on the back from the Florida Highway Something…
On the front of the sign, it says “DRIVE SAFELY” and “In Memory of Christopher ‘Mole Man’ Cook.”
But the sign is placed so that people on the sidewalk can’t read it without stepping into the street.
And it’s so small that people on the road would have to swerve very close to read it.
So I wonder if Mole Man is trying to get people killed.

15. Taking sugar packets from the hotel restaurant so I can make coffee up in my room makes me feel like an old woman stocking her pantry from a diner.

16. Falk Theatre has a balcony!
And the seats are mega-more comfortable.

17. I have no problem accepting rides from others when the temperature is 40 or less.

18. I miss actually attending yoga classes.

19. I’m totally judgmental.
But only when people deserve it.

20. Being exposed to all these things is inspirational.
And fun.
And off-putting.
And discouraging.

A kind person would call it turquoise.
A cruel person would call it green.
The bottle called it Azul Oceano (Atlantic Blue).

Image

I call it seaweed.

Image

Which is sort of appropriate
Since I’m sitting here in my Cthulhu shirt
(one of them: I had a different one yesterday;
I’ll have another one tomorrow).
But the thought of the sea and the ocean
And things that have a surprise ending
Totally works.
The color change and the change of the year
Along with the changes in my life
(less money, more work, more putting myself out there)
Tells me my seaweed happened for a reason.
Not that I believe in “The Secret” or fate.
So I’m running with it
And enjoying it
And ignoring the cruel people
Because I have better things to do.