Why Chernobyl Diaries was a bad movie

Posted: June 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

This image is scarier than the movie! By Piotr Andryszczak (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

This image is scarier than the movie!
By Piotr Andryszczak (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

I had actually wanted to see Chernobyl Diaries.  It looked scary.  There were “bad things” in a spooky town that had plenty of reason to be spooky, and it had a certain “cheese” level.

Last night, though, the scariest part was that the dollar theater didn’t have air conditioning.

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers – although I’m not sure anyone could spoil it.

That said, here are problems and ways to fix it up if anyone else decides to remake it in 20 years, like every other crappy movie is remade:

  1. They ignored the guns on the mantle – Yuri’s mention of “May Day” and how the people never got it.  Angry ghosts who celebrate their May Day with revenge on those who are alive?  Cool.  Of course, that means they didn’t go that way.  Then a mention of how the people had to leave, abandoning evening with not even five minutes, and then how looters stole it.  Again, angry ghosts.  Hell, Poltergeist had how many iterations with ghosts from Indian graveyards, and you have the potential for a lot more ghosts here.  Ghosts are scary.  Way scarier than a few people who have been radiated enough to become cannibals.  (Speaking of which, haven’t we seen people die of radiation sickness before?  How many became cannibals?  Can we get the numbers on that?)
  2. The movie couldn’t figure out what was meant to be scary, so there was no focus on what was supposed to be scary.  Was it dogs? Radiation? Mutant fish? Cannibals?
  3. Why the hell would the government keep the cannibals around?  Especially if they keep getting out and eating guards? They obviously could capture and contain them, so why not just toss in some gas and kill them?  Are they being kept as shock troops for a potential pending war?  That would have been cool.  But if that’s the case, why not kill those and then make more later?
  4. They missed chances to make it scary – when map was “wrong,” why not have them had been in building that wasn’t built yet?  The pictures would show that they’d been in buildings, had seen things in buildings, but the buildings (at night) were just in construction.  Again, ghosts are scary!
  5. Why the fuck are the cannibals so good with the car?  When the characters have any sort of radiation poisoning, they have vision issues and look all nasty.  If these cannibals are really caused by radiation, wouldn’t they be messed up?  Why would they fuck up the wires when they could have just slashed ties?  Why not have the wires magically corrode or something?  (Again, ghosts do it!  Ghosts are scary! And being trapped in a non-existent time – also scary!)
  6. Finally, my favorite (maybe?) part – a special forces guy with a gun can’t kill the cannibals, but the other characters can beat them off with a tire iron.  Really? Are they afraid of the iron?

I’m sure there’s plenty more that can be said, but I’ve already wasted too much time on this movie.  And too much money.  Sure, the tickets were only $1, but after a drink, popcorn, and cotton candy, we wasted a whopping $15.  Who do I write to for a refund?

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