Found Myself

“But today I found myself. Right where I left me, up on that shelf. Right where I left me. Right where I put me.” (Vermillion Lies)

Last December really threw me off. And while it’s hard for me to believe it’s taken me a year to get to this point, here I am now.

I’ve started roller skating again, and I’m planning on becoming a boot camper with roller derby by the beginning of next year. While I haven’t quit the full-time job search, I’m pickier about what I apply to now, and I really care what job I wind up with. I’m not going to take something just for the money – I’ve discovered that I can budget and work well enough with just adjunct work. And, probably the most important change – I’ve dropped my Education PhD program and I’m working on applications to MFA programs for writing.

That’s a massive change.

It really started brewing a few months ago. I wasn’t happy with Capella for a number of reasons, and when a problem arose, their handling of the situation made me feel as if I was definitely a number in their budget as opposed to an actual student. Coupled with the realization that I really had no urge to finish my degree, it was a killer. Yes, I wanted those letters after my name, but did I really want to be an expert in Education? Was that really my life goal?

My life goals, which sadly (or perhaps not so sadly) have not changed since I was little, were to teach, to write, and to have a son. Well, I’ve achieved those. And getting a PhD in education was not going to help with those. But getting a Phd or MFA in Writing…well, that was something!

So I withdrew from my program at Capella, but with bunches of hours and a Post Master’s Certificate in Education (College Teaching). Something to show for my two years, at least.

And now I can go and focus on what I want to do, and I can stop worrying about what I *need* and instead look at what I *want*. Cause really, in the end, isn’t that the point?

2 thoughts on “Found Myself

  1. Figuring out what you really want is HUGE! I think you are so brave for going for what you want. I think so many people are afraid to discover or admit what they want out of life. I am going through a period of questioning right now and your post has inspired me.

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